Getting Home on 72 Hours of No Sleep: Why Airports are Satan

12:00 AM – Hassleholm Station, Sweden

Someone has filled my table seat with all his shopping bags. *cue Christina Perri* Who do you think you are? Sleeping in crowded cars? I’ll hit you with your guitar…now say au revoir…

9:00 AM – Stockholm Airport

The desk attendant is talking in circles. “I think I got everything but repeat it all over again just to make sure. I wasn’t listening.”

1:00 PM – London to Chicago

The last bit of light in my soul is extinguished. They do not have a vegan meal for me.

My stomach. It cries.

8:30 PM – Chicago O’Hare

Customs is curious because I walked around a Swedish vegetable garden for two weeks. I still have samples between my toes. Help yourself.

9:20 PM – O’Hare Argo Tea Kiosk

Earl Grey Tea. Fuck. Yes.

9:30 PM – O’Hare Argo Tea Kiosk

Delayed flight. Fuck. No.

9:35 PM – O’Hare Terminal Three

Canceled flight. The asshat in front of me can ride with the luggage if she’s going to be that rude. Also I will not sleep on a chair, I am a princess.

9:45 PM – Sprinting to catch Dallas flight

No no no no no this is why I don’t run I think I’m dying.

10:15 PM – Flight to Dallas

Now I smell like a field horse.

12:30 AM – Dallas Terminal Change

If they don’t have room on the flight to OKC tonight I will kill everyone with a plastic spoon and my two remaining hair scrunchies.

1:13 AM – Gate C33

No room. No one will have the chance to say goodbye. Annihilation is imminent.

1:15 AM – Gate C33

Never mind, I have a seat with extra leg room. Me gusta.

1:30 AM – Flight to OKC

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry to inform you…testing testing… we are sorry to say that…testing testing…is this thing on?”

SPIT IT OUT HOMIE

1:31 AM – Gate C33

Flight cancelled. This is why we can’t have nice things.

2:15 AM – Gate C33

Leslie, my partner in crime, has found two cots. Pancake cravings begin.

2:21 AM – Some Area by Really Old Chairs

Food vouchers become available. Very handy at this time of night when nothing is open and the only thing available to eat are the vouchers themselves.

2:34 AM – Nasty Cot

There are blankets. They might be made of empty promises.

2:36 AM – Nasty Cot

Definitely made of empty promises.

2:45 AM – Nasty Cot

This is hell, I am sure of it.

3:00 AM – Still on a Nasty Cot

I am Rose from Titanic. But instead of waiting for an absolution, I am waiting to fall the fuck asleep, and the sleep will never come.

4:11 AM – Sleepytime Nap Nap

I wake up to the beginnings of the next ice age. Does security want to see my nipples? Because that’s the only reason it could be this fucking cold in the middle of a Texas summer.

5:00 AM – Wakee Wakee

I wake again to a never ending alarm that turns out to be shitty elevator music. I’d rather listen to Justin Beiber.

5:10 AM – No.

I will kill anything that moves.

6:30 AM – I am a delicate flower

Mark buys me coffee for watching his bag. Thank you, Mark.

7:00 AM – I am still a delicate flower

I WANT COMPENSATION GODAMNIT

7:12 AM

AND FREE COCKTAILS

7:13 AM

AND PANCAKES

7:14 AM

Also a puppy with a bow

7:45 AM

I’m stealing this blanket. It’s proof of my suffering. I can pass it down to my children.

8:22 AM – Hell is a Sauna (Also Known as summertime in OKC)

I will make love to the ground I walk upon.

9:00 AM – All endings are beginnings

Where. Is. My. Bag.

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