I’d like to talk about what happens when you lie to yourself.
I don’t mean The Pizza Lie, when you put two pieces of pizza on top of each other and pretend it’s really one slice. Or The Shoe Lie, when the shoe in question is actually a size too small but you make yourself believe that it fits because they are so fabulous and match your new top.
I’m talking about the soul-splitting lies that make you less of yourself and keep you from experiencing everything the world has to offer. It happens when you deny your intuition and pretend that you want something you don’t. It puts you behind and makes The Pizza Lie seem like child’s play.
I don’t think that many people really have a strong relationship with their intuition in today’s world, or even know how to identify it, which can become problematic. And even when you do, sometimes the real world pressures you into believing that you don’t need it. Trusting your instincts is imperative in today’s world, whether it’s regarding your career, your love life, or anything else. Sometimes, you just know.
It’s like knowing if you’re in love. No one can give you that answer. You just know. In the same way that you just know it’s time for you to ditch your old pairs of underwear and buy new ones. Sometimes you just know that if you don’t move that glue off the kitchen cabinet, your child will down the whole bottle. It saves you a whole lot of trouble and a whole lot of heartache if you can tune in.
But even when you do tune in, there will always be a time when you think that you know better than your intuition. Which isn’t always true, no matter how smart you are. Maybe I have a different experience from everyone else, but when I don’t listen to my intuition, my entire body seems to go haywire and I lose basic human functions. I swear that I can’t even eat soup without almost having a panic attack. And soup is one of the tamest things I know.
I do believe in balance. I think that it’s incredibly important to make your intuition, head, and heart work together. I’ve heard some people say that your heart and your intuition is the same thing. Your intuition is your soul, but your heart is something separate. My heart was what made me fall in love with a really stupid boy, my intuition said that it would never last if we were together, and my head kept trying to rationalize that everything would be okay because my heart said so.
Obviously my head and my heart are in cahoots. So my intuition has to maintain a system of checks and balances, because otherwise it would be anarchy and I would be a train wreck, you feel me? I’d be downing a bottle of merlot every night and sobbing at the moon while listening to sad love songs. No one needs to see that.
In the beginning, it took a little practice to distinguish between my heart and intuition, but once I did, I had no room for excuses. I couldn’t say that I thought my heart knew best, because my heart (though it has the rights to its feelings and is awfully sweet) is oftentimes very stupid. As of now, it has me loving someone who I have no business being with and it’s making me quite angry.
But I can’t lie and say that I don’t feel how I feel. If I invalidate my feelings I only push myself backwards, instead of learning from my experiences. So I have to come to terms with the fact that I love this person, but even though I cannot be with them, I have many other things to fill my life with. I have music and writing and the ability to pursue the things I love. And for now, that is enough.
Lying to myself is what made me pursue and career path that would have ultimately destroyed me. It would have trapped me in a world of unfulfilling monotonous work days and what-ifs. I hate the what-ifs.
So I decided that I’d rather live in the perilous world of pursuing my passion, because the what-ifs are too much for me to handle. I’d rather pursue the life I’ve wanted since I was eleven. I knew myself then. I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. And even though I’m not quite who I thought I’d be, I’m getting pretty damn close, and that has to be enough as well, because I’m not lying anymore.