An Open Letter to Nick Adams

Dear Nick Adams,

Firstly, click on the gifs. They really do a great job of illustration.

Secondly, I’d like to congratulate you on the publication of your most recent book, American Boomerang. I’m aware that it isn’t your first book and that writing a one takes an enormous amount of patience and persistence, so hats off to you. You certainly have diligence.

That diligence certainly shone brightly during your Fox News interview about the ‘Wussification of Men’ when you stated that feminism has resulted in ‘angry women and feminine men’. And also, apparently, that men aren’t allowed to be men anymore. As an excerpt from your book reads, ‘…we see it coming from the feminists.’

from the feminists
Yes. Straight from the book.

Hmm.

zooey exasperated
Exasperation overload.

Let me first start by saying that men have largely been able to do whatever the hell they want, as evidenced by the history of colonization, rape, and other such wonderful historical acts in the name of sandbox domination. They’ve also generally been able to choose their desired occupations (doctor, lawyer, miner, politician, geologist, chemist, engineer, writer, photographer, etc.) while women have largely had the wonderful opportunities to become mothers, nurses, teachers, factory workers, and – that about sums it up.

I do realize that most of what I’ve said only extends to white men and women. I’m not a stranger to white privilege. I just think that you’re a little confused on what exactly feminism is and what it’s done for you and your gender. The benefits of feminism to females are obvious: birth control, voting rights, better occupational and social opportunity, etc. But it’s good for you, too.

What’s so wonderful about feminism is that it benefits men by breaking down gender roles. In a patriarchal society, men are taught to fear being ‘womanly’, so if a man chooses to freely show emotion or be a stay at home father, he’s shunned and considered less of a man. Feminism has the goal of giving each gender the freedom to do and be what they want. So basically, men are getting more freedom than they had in the past and women are getting the freedoms they damn well deserved all along. Ring-a-ding-ding.

You may not have picked up on this, but it’s actually patriarchy that says men are animalistic and at the mercy of their penises. We all know that’s not true. Example: when society tells women that they shouldn’t get raped, they’re putting blame on us. But by doing so, they also assume that men are naturally lacking in self-control and live at the mercy of their genitals. Therefore, society is literally calling you a dick. And maybe I’m wrong, but most men who think well of themselves wouldn’t defame their characters by labeling themselves as dicks.

Jennifer-Lawrence-saying-what

On a minor note, birth control benefits men because they can relax without worrying that they’re partner has a bun in the oven. So it frees women and men from the stress of possible pregnancy when we want to have sex for reasons other than procreation. Bam. Win-win situation and we all get to head home happy.

30r-thumbsup

I want to stress that feminism isn’t about hating men. Unfortunately, the crazies in any group have the loudest voices. So if you haven’t heard it before, feminism is not about man hate. Hatred of men is called misandry and that’s not what feminists want. We don’t want a matriarchal society, we don’t want to stomp you in the dirt and stick our claim flags into your writhing bodies. We just want the right to do our thing and want you to join in on the fun.

By the way, we don’t really think that men directly prevent us from achieving our goals. Society does that. Society prevents us from doing what we want. That’s kind of why we got pissed off enough to gain suffrage. And we aren’t trying to ‘squelch male activities’, we’re just making sure that everyone has options. If sports are your thing, then we’ll happily support that because it’s what you want. Not because you feel obligated.

The lovely Elisabeth Hasselbeck mentioned that manly men are demonized. I assume that by manly she means men who are fans of the patriarchal boxes everyone has been forced into. If that’s true, then she’s somewhat correct, because feminists are not going to agree with that sort of social stigma. But fortunately for you (and for all other men) being manly within feminism means something totally different. It means being responsible, having the ability to be what you want, having equal say in custody after divorce. It means that you don’t have to wrestle with alligators if you think that’s a little too extreme. You won’t be sweating like Paris Hilton doing a crossword puzzle while sitting outside that local coffee shop with your double caramel mocha latte with double whipped cream. It’s no secret that men want to order fun drinks, especially at the bar. The whole point of this is that we want you to have that pink Cosmo. Why? Because they taste delicious and you shouldn’t deny yourself one just because you’re a guy. You can have your Sunday football games and still enjoy watermelon margaritas.

no ice
Or just tequila. That’s okay too.

Hasselbeck also mentioned feminism negatively impacting national security. I honestly don’t have the patience to address that topic because it’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard and I’d prefer to conserve my energy rather than waste it explaining that increased opportunity probably won’t result in loss of power.

Once again, congrats on the book. I know you must be very proud and I’m looking forward to seeing it on the shelves of my local bookstore and reading it, since feminism kind of ensured my literacy.

 

Eagerly anticipating your next interview,

 

Allix Stewart

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